This is a letter to my younger self, a reflection of my journey…
Dear lost me…
I know how you’ve desperately wanted to change your appearance, you were called ugly so many times, you made peace with it, you concluded that beauty is in everyone but you, you dreamt of how as soon as you could afford it, you’ll change, you’ll change your nose, you’ll change your skin tone and enhance parts of your body in an attempt to finally accept yourself. The stretch marks on your body remind you of how impossible this whole task might be, as if they are reminding you of the permanence of your ugliness. One day you’ll wake up and you will teach yourself how to be kinder to your body, you’ll find yourself learning how to be grateful, grateful for how well your body carries you through life, no matter how harsh it can be. That true beauty begins with acceptance, you will forgive those people who called you ugly because that was never a reflection of you, but a reflection of them. We only see ugliness in others when we see it in ourselves.
You will lose friends, sometimes you will understand, sometimes you wont, but you’ll learn that you have everything in you that you have ever needed to survive in life, you’ll meet the most amazing people both men and women, who will pray for you, who will fast for you, who will speak kind words to you. You will learn to be a better friend yourself. Life is a mysterious thing, and you won’ be able to figure it out always but that’s okay, trust that you’ll be fine no matter what happens. As seasons change the friends might change as well not because they are bad people but because God always knows best and sometimes we need to trust that he is leading us to greater heights.
You will find family in the most unlikely places amongst the purest of people. You will have mother’s who will love you so well you will stop grieving your own, you will find father’s who will model manhood so you stop being confused about how a godly man should be, they will set the bar really high for your possible future husband. You will have siblings, who will share their parents with you these brave people who you will grow so fond of, as you invade their homes and their hearts you’ll feel a deep sense that this is how everything should be, that you are not abandoned and you’ll find home in these hearts. You will realise that home isn’t so much about blood but it’s all about love.
I see how you’ve how you’ve gone from relationship to relationship, thinking “If only I can find the perfect guy, someone who will fulfill all of what I lack, someone who’s serious but fun, godly but a bit of a rebel, someone who prays, who makes you laugh, who reminds you of your worth when you forget, even if you’re not really sure of it at times, someone who is absolute perfection” . Unfortunatly people are flawed, they are all just trying to figure this life thing out, and honestly you idolise relationships too much. You will find yourself falling in love with a Man, who knows your every flaw, who knows your most intimate secrets and loves you just the same, you will learn to lean into His words for comfort when your world feels like it’s crashing, and this will happen many times, so much that these words will be a lifeline, He will be a lifeline. It is only here that you’ll look at men in a healthier way where you free them from being your saviours, where you truly learn how to love. His name is Jesus and no one finds you as captivating as he does, no one adores you like he does, he doesn’t condemn you, he doesn’t reject you. He will complete you and this is where the most beautiful journeys begin.
Everything that you are going through, no matter how painful will be a launching pad for your passion, your scars might help people heal. You will start writing and a few faithful people will read your words and understand you better, you will find healing in this simple space called blogging, you will use your words in the most powerful way, even if these words are just a reminder that every story has a sacredness that it comes with no matter how dark.
You will write mostly for you, using this as a space, like a form of canvass, you will remind yourself everyday that Life Is ART and you will strive to live it beautifully, gratefully and embracing every challenge that comes. This will be the beginning of finding beauty in everything.