When I was 19 and took my sister in after my Step-mother passed away, she was the last living parent between the two of us and I was going to somehow play the role of a Mother\Sister\Guardian.I could have not imagined the journey that was about to begin. At first I thought: how hard could this be? I mean people do this all the time? Little did I know that my whole life would be completely undone and for the most part I would be better because of it.
These are things I really struggle to say to her most times and I really just don’t know how to put it into words not verbally anyway so here goes.
I wish I was gentler with you, that the harsh words that I’ve used in my attempt to be stern and to enforce discipline to some extent wouldn’t leave dents in your heart that could never be fully undone. I wish I could create memories with you, that you look back on when you are stuck in a rut in life and you are in a dark space and you look back and you laugh, memories of light days when I showed grace even when you least deserved it. I wish to fill your mind with words of constant encouragement, that I’ve give you when life hit. That my words would echo in your heart louder than any critic ever could, that you may always know there is more in you to sustain you than you can imagine, that you may always recite Psalm 139 as well as you did for most of our years and hold on to it fight to remember it hard, that you know no one can take that away from you. Life will always remind you of all that you lack, of all that you’ve lost and I hope that in me you will always know you have a safe space, you have enough
space to share any crazy dream and I won’t laugh or disqualify you have enough space to put down whatever burden too heavy for you to carry and I will receive you and love you even after the worst kind of confession. I pray that you won’t live life thinking of our parents from a place of pain, that you never got a chance to see them, to inherit a somewhat unconventional taste in music like I have (UB40s Groovin is my Jam, thanks Dad) because you had no choice but to listen to whatever they listened to for the longest time. I hope you always know that even though they never said to you at a time when you could understand that they loved you. That they would have spent every waking day showing just how much they loved you.
I was so desperate to be perfect for you, to say that right things, do the right things and always be the model example of how your life should be but I am flawed. I tried to hide this and with multiplied failed attempts realized that maybe instead of striving for perfection I should strive at progressing in front of you, strive at being better each day, living everyday showing you what it means to be loving to those who don’t love you, to be gracious to people especially yourself. To teach you the art of letting go, constantly letting go, of the things you cannot change, of the people you no longer have, of the need to want to perfect yourself even at the expense of being not being genuine. I pray I may teach more about God simply by living my life than I can by speaking. I hope you will always know that I spend every waking day wanting to be better for you. If I was given a choice now after all these years which 4 year old I was would choose, I would still choose you.
I am looking forward to all that life has for you and I hope you’ll forgive me for all the times I was selfish with my time and space and was so obsessed about myself and what I needed and wanted that I forgot to let you in, the times when I was hard and broke you down instead of loving you up. I love with a love I can’t explain, a tender kind of love and I hope everything out of everything this is what you’ll know.